desperate2x07
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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AMY
Whoa.
MIKE
The fuck was that?
CHAKIRA AND ARCADIO
Chakira's still up on the bar, bent over at the waist.
Arcadio is on the bar behind her in a doggy-style position.
They're both frozen in place.
CHAKIRA
Uh...
ARCADIO
Well, that's new. Normally, it's
the girl slapping him.
TONY AND STACY
Oblivious to the fact that everyone in the bar is staring
right at him, Tony looks down at Stacy and shakes his head
like he just came out of a trance.
TONY
(blinks)
Oh God, are you alright? Did you
trip and fall?
STACY
What the fuck was that?!?
Tony leans down to help her back up, but she slaps his arms
away.
STACY
Get the hell away from me.
TONY
What? Why are you so upset?
STACY
You slapped me, you fucking
asshole!
Tony blinks.
TONY
I did no such thing! You're off
your rocker.
A hand clamps down on Tony's shoulder. He turns to see it's
that of a BOUNCER, with another one right behind him.
BOUNCER 1
You need to get your ass out of
here before I have you arrested.
TONY
I didn't do anything.
Both bouncers grab him under his arms and start to drag him
out.
BOUNCER 1
Let's go, pal.
TONY
(struggling)
No! I didn't do anything. Take your
hands off me!
He's dragged out the door with the crowd still staring. Once
he's out the door, the music resumes and everyone goes back
to what they were doing.
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Tony walks in the door, now sporting a black eye. He doesn't
bother turning the lights on. Just tosses his jacket to the
floor as he crosses the room and climbs the ladder up to his
room.
FADE TO:
INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - LATER
Once again, Tony's snoring peacefully.
A sudden blast of TECHNO MUSIC wakes him up.
TONY
(groans)
Oh, now what?
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT
Tony slides his door open to see the loft is jam packed with
everyone that was in the bar downstairs!
The lights are still off and everyone's waving GLOW STICKS
around.
Tony climbs down and pushes his way through the crowd,
eventually locating Chakira, Arcadio, and Mike by the
kitchen.
Mike's pouring shots of tequila for everyone.
A billow of SMOKE comes in from the side and gets Tony to
cough. He waves it away and looks in that direction to see
Amy lighting up a fresh cigarette.
TONY
How many have you had today?
AMY
Just three.
(beat)
Packs.
Tony shakes his head and turns his attention to the others.
TONY
What is going on here?
MIKE
That's what I want to know. What's
up with you going Tyson on that
chick downstairs?
TONY
(blinks)
Look, I don't know what you all
think you saw, but I did not lay a
finger on that woman.
ARCADIO
Tone, you slapped her like she said
Megan Fox was ugly.
Tony immediately whirls around and SLAPS Arcadio.
TONY
Blasphemer! Don't ever say-
MIKE
Hey! Knock that shit off. Tone, you
developing Tourette's or something?
TONY
I honestly don't remember slapping
her. She told me her name and next
thing I knew, she was on the ground
and... we're off topic!
He sweeps his arm around the room, motioning to the sea of
humanity.
TONY
Why are all these people here?
CHAKIRA
(while dancing)
Party don't stop 'cause the bar
closed, honey.
TONY
We have work in the morning!
Arcadio leans back and looks at Tony's behind.
ARCADIO
Wow.
(beat)
It's so far up your arse I can't
seen it from here!
Mike GUFFAWS as he pours salt between his thumb and
forefinger.
TONY
I'm serious!
(points to Amy and
Chakira)
You two are teachers! Don't you
have to be alert for your students?
AMY
(to Chakira)
He's got a point.
CHAKIRA
Oh whatever. Spring a pop quiz and
get a teaching assistant to proctor
it while you nap in the teacher's
lounge. Damn, woman, you've got a
lot to learn.
Mike, Tony, and Arcadio swap looks and frowns.
MIKE
That's why teachers do pop quizzes?
Tony shakes his head and opens up one of the drawers to
retrieve a pair of EAR PLUGS.
TONY
Night, all.
Tony slinks off. The rest of them shrug and take the showers
(except Amy).
Tony ascends his ladder again.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
The music starts to fade as we TIME LAPSE to morning.
INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING
CLOSE UP ON Tony's face.
More snoring. More drool. He wakes up with a yawn and rolls
over-
- to see Chakira laying right next to him!
TONY
Gah!
CHAKIRA
(waking up; cheery)
Mmm... morning, roomie!
TONY
What are you doing in here?
CHAKIRA
Well, my bunk was full. A couple
people slept over 'cause they were
too drunk to drive.
Tony sits up and slides his door open.
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT
Tony pokes his head out to see, well, none of the actual
floor. Every square inch is covered with sleeping people!
FADE TO MOMENTS LATER
Tony's precariously stepping over the sleeping people, moving
towards the bathroom.
He YELPS and falls on top of three people when the opening to
Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' startles him.
He looks up to see Chakira walking away from the stereo
system.
Oblivious to the people being smothered by his girth
underneath him, he watches Chakira scale the ladder to her
room and knock on the door.
The bouncer that threw Tony out comes out and starts to climb
down.
Followed by the woman Tony slapped.
Followed by another random person.
And another.
And another.
And another.
PUSH IN on Tony's face.
TONY
It's like a bloody clown car.
FADE TO:
INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING
Title over: THE NEXT MORNING
'Thriller' begins again, once more waking Tony up.
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT
Tony sticks his head out to see Arcadio on top of a tall
ladder with the beginning of a tape measure held to the
ceiling.
Mike's holding the ladder in place while Chakira is holding
the other end of the tape measure to the floor.
CHAKIRA
It's... nineteen and a half feet.
Arcadio nods and lets go of his end, letting the tape recoil
into the base.
TONY
What are you doing?
CHAKIRA
(deadpan)
Measuring for the stripper pole.
TONY
What stripper pole?
ARCADIO
Oh, we didn't tell you about that?
Tony rolls his eyes and ducks back into his room.
INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING
Title over: THE NEXT MORNING
'Thriller' wakes up Tony.
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT
Tony stomps up to the stereo and yanks out the power cord!
Behind him, Arcadio SLIDES out of the bathroom in his towel
and stops.
ARCADIO
(turning around)
Oi! What happened to the music?
Tony produces a pair of SCISSORS and cuts the power cord!
TONY
(triumphant)
There'll be no more of that.
He drops the cord and walks out of frame.
INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING
Title over: THE NEXT MORNING
You guessed it. 'Thriller' again.
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT
Tony pops his head out.
ZOOM IN on a small BOOMBOX on top of the stereo equipment.
REVERSE ANGLE as Tony walks up and SMASHES it with a HAMMER!
Behind him, Arcadio SLIDES out of the bathroom in his towel
and stops. He turns around and throws his hands up.
INT. THE LOFT - TONY'S ROOM - MORNING
Title over: THE NEXT MORNING
Right on schedule. 'Thriller' starts again.
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT
Tony sticks his head out.
ZOOM IN on a new radio.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING
The radio sails out of the windows and SMASHES into pieces
when it lands in the middle of the street.
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - NEXT
Arcadio SLIDES out of the bathroom in his towel and is
promptly tackled by Tony!
ARCADIO
(wrestling with Tony)
What the fuck, Black?
Chakira, over in the kitchen making coffee, looks terribly
amused.
CHAKIRA
(licking her lips)
Mmm... someone get the baby oil.
TONY
(struggling with Arcadio)
Mike! Get down here!
Mike sticks his head out of his door and frowns.
As he's climbing down the ladder:
MIKE
This better be good. I was dreaming
about winning the NBA title and
getting a night with Lisa Leslie.
TONY
Chakira, I apologize you have to be
here for this, but I think we need
to put your place here to a vote.
Tony is straddled on top of Arcadio holding both of his
wrists down.
MIKE
You woke me up for that?
ARCADIO
Tony.
(beat)
I'm naked under this towel.
Tony looks down, frowns, and leaps off of Arcadio.
TONY
I'm sorry, I just don't think-
CHAKIRA
It's okay, guys. No need to vote.
TONY
Beg your pardon?
CHAKIRA
This is my last day here. I signed
on a gorgeous studio across town
last night.
Tony's face briefly lights up before he recovers and shakes
it off.
TONY
Oh... well, I'm sorry things didn't
work out.
ARCADIO
(shaky)
You're not taking the stripper
pole, are you?
Mike wraps his arms around Chakira.
MIKE
Well, honey, I'm sad to see you go.
At the very least, the music around
here was better.
He gives her a kiss on the cheek.
MIKE
I've had about enough of The Clash
and AC/DC.
ARCADIO
'Cause we paid for that up front.
CHAKIRA
Awww, boys. I'll still stop by.
TONY
Don't threaten us!
ARCADIO
(dejected)
I'd already booked a private party
on the premise of having it here.
Chakira laughs and heads towards the bathroom.
CHAKIRA
You boys just don't know how to
have fun. I'll invite you to the
housewarming though.
As she disappears into the bathroom, we FADE TO:
INT. THE LOFT - LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Title over: THE NEXT MORNING
Arcadio's sprawled out on the couch. Aside from Tony's
rhythmic SNORING, the place is pretty quiet.
CLOSE UP on the sink in the kitchen. There's a small drip
ECHOING through the loft.
CLOSE UP on the control console for the air conditioning
unit. The LED reads 'Current Temp: 67°F'
It goes to 68 and the fan clicks on.
CLOSE UP on the analog clock hanging on the wall in the
kitchen. The second hand TICKS as it goes through its cycle.
PUSH IN on Arcadio as he sighs.
ARCADIO
(whining)
It's too quiet.
He gets up from the couch and walks over to the stereo.
TILT DOWN to show the power cord reattached with duct tape.
TILT UP as he turns the stereo.
Yep. 'Thriller' returns.
Arcadio plops down on the couch and lets out a relieved sigh-
- Just before Tony wraps a rope around his neck from behind
and begins to strangle him!
ARCADIO
(gagging)
Tony!
PULL AWAY from these two. Tony has murder in his eyes and
pulls harder on the rope.
ARCADIO
(still gagging; louder)
Tony!!!
FADE TO BLACK.
L.I.T.
(singing)
I'm... in... over my head...
END OF SHOW
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.