desperate2x00
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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EXT. LIBERTY ISLAND - DAY
Open on a shot looking up from the ground at the majestic
STATUE OF LIBERTY. The sun is just over Lady Liberty's
shoulder, casting most of the statue in a dim shadow.
PAN DOWN to a group of tourists at the base of the statue
taking pictures of it and of each other.
To the left of them, sitting on the end of a bench, is
ANTHONY 'TONY' BLACK, our slightly portly young British
friend, with a laptop resting on his legs.
He clears his throat before beginning to type.
TONY (V.O.)
Hello, Adam. I hope things are well
back home. I'm typing this from a
bench in front of the Statue of
Liberty. Paul brought me on my
first tour this afternoon.
He pauses to look up at the statue again before continuing.
TONY (V.O.)
Much like virtually everything else
in this city, or this country for
that matter, it looks better on the
telly. My roommates are doing
better from the last time I wrote
you, thankfully.
INT. CLASSROOM
MICHAEL 'MIKE' JAY, everyone's favorite African American
workaholic, is sitting in one of a dozen or so chairs
arranged in a circle. His arms are crossed and his body
language screams 'I'd rather be somewhere else.'
Directly across from him is a squirrely man in a shirt and
tie, holding a large stick. The rest of the circle is made of
casually dressed, nondescript people.
TONY (V.O.)
Mike's legal troubles have been
taken care of.
The squirrely man, also known as the THERAPIST, is explaining
something using the stick as a visual aid. We can't hear what
he's saying though, as Tony's voice-over drowns him out.
TONY (V.O.)
He was put on probation and ordered
to do counseling for his emotional,
uhm, issues.
The therapist passes the stick to the man next to him. PUSH
IN on Mike, who seems to be getting more agitated by the
second.
TONY (V.O.)
He's still working at that
restaurant and has been promoted to
bartender, so that's a good thing.
I do wish he'd spend a little more
time on his writing, but he's
understandably busy trying to sort
himself out.
The stick is held out in front of Mike and he slaps it to the
ground. The therapist crosses the room and picks up the
stick, waving it in front of Mike.
PUSH IN on Mike's face as he SMIRKS before a SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - NEXT
The therapist walks down the aisle, sans his pants, like he
just spent the last three hours riding a horse. As he passes
the camera, we see the stick protruding from his ass!
TONY (V.O.)
We're hoping that next week he'll
finally switch his schedule so his
anger management classes are before
his substance abuse sessions.
He passes by Mike, who is at the reception desk talking to
the nurse. She pauses to look at the therapist in shock and
awe.
MIKE
(grinning)
Tuesday aight for next week? It's
my only off day.
INT. GROCERY STORE
ARCADIO 'ARC' REYES, the raunchy British playboy is walking
across the rows of shelves with his girlfriend, MIRANDA, whom
is carrying a hand basket.
TONY (V.O.)
Arc is still seeing Miranda. I
think she'll do a world of good for
him, to be honest. Just last week
she made him do the dishes at home
after Mike and Paul cooked us all
dinner.
(beat)
Unfortunately, Arc being Arc, he
never actually turned the fucking
water on, so I had to go back and
do them myself later.
They turn down one aisle and start down it. Arc FREEZES.
They're in the baby section. Miranda strolls down, looking at
the assorted rattles and bottles.
MIRANDA
This'll only take a minute. My
friend's having a baby shower.
Arc's head snaps to one side. ZOOM IN on a pack of diapers.
His head snaps in another direction. ZOOM IN on a stack of
baby wipes.
Another head whip. Another ZOOM IN on a fold out stroller.
TONY (V.O.)
Of course, he hasn't told her about
the little bundle of joy due in a
few months with Levinia. I do hope
he gets on with it before he winds
up on Springer or Maury Povich.
Arc puts his hands on his head and does a slow, horrified
360.
Miranda, who has her back to Arc, is completely oblivious to
Arc's nervous breakdown. She holds up a clear bottles with
fluffy bear decals all over it.
MIRANDA
(squeals)
Oooh, this is cute!
Finally, Arc FAINTS. The sound of his landing gets Miranda to
turn around and quickly rush to his side.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Back at the park with Tony. We're in tight on him as he
continues his email.
TONY (V.O.)
Paul and I have learned to get
along. He's actually not a bad
chap, mercifully. We hated him on
the forums, but I guess the old
adage about people putting up
fronts on the net is true. He's not
nearly as annoying in person, crap
television viewing habits aside.
(beat)
He seems to be genuinely happy, so
good on him. I don't even mind he
and Gabriel necking all the time.
PULL AWAY to reveal the just-mentioned PAUL ROBINSON in a
passionate make out session with his buff mate, GABRIEL,
right next to Tony.
TONY (V.O.)
I just wish he wouldn't make it a
point to do it around me.
Paul collapses into Tony's lap with Gabriel on top of him,
still kissing. A disgusted Tony pushes Paul's head off of
him. The couple roll off the bench to the ground, never
breaking their lip contact. Paul briefly glances up at Tony
and winks at him. Tony just shakes his head.
TONY (V.O.)
(while typing)
As for me, well the new job is in
writing and actually pays well,
which is good. Can't say it's the
most glamorous though.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - MAIN LOBBY - DAY
Tony, with his laptop bag slung over his shoulder, hits the
call button for an elevator. It arrives and he steps on. He
holds his arm out to stop the door from shutting as a cute
young lady dashes across the lobby to catch it.
YOUNG LADY
(out of breath)
Thanks. I'm running late.
She steps into the carriage.
YOUNG LADY
6th floor, please.
Tony's face noticeably drops a little and he suddenly looks
embarressed.
TONY
I'm actually, uh, going down.
YOUNG LADY
(confused)
Down? But we're on the first-
She stops and frowns as she gets it.
YOUNG LADY
(sneers)
Oh.
She steps off the elevator. Tony hit the button marked 'B'
and the elevator doors shut.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - BASEMENT - NEXT
The elevator arrives at the end of a dark, dank hallway in
the basement with pipes dripping water onto the floor.
Tony exits the elevator and hangs his head in shame as he
walks down the hall and stops at a door to his left. He opens
it to reveal a long flight of stairs leading even further
underground.
INT. TABLOID OFFICE - NEXT
The office is swirling with the sleaziest group of people
imaginable, which is saying something for New York.
Tony's EDITOR, a mid fifties man in a wheelchair with a badly
arranged toupee on his head, rolls up to Tony as he sets his
belongings on a desk barely wider than himself.
EDITOR
(in a horrible accent)
Top o' da mornin' to ya, laddie!
TONY
(through gritted teeth)
For the umpteenth time, I'm not
Irish.
EDITOR
(waves it off)
Bah, you all sound the same to me.
I've got a big story for ya.
Tony noticeably perks up.
TONY
Do you, now?
The editor nods and turns his chair to face out in the same
direction as Tony's desk. He waves his hands at the other
writers and yells:
EDITOR
Watch out. Incoming story!
Everyone clears out of his path, revealing a huge DARTBOARD
with dozens of Post-Its all over the far wall. The Editor
picks up a set of DARTS from his lap and flicks one of them
at the board.
EDITOR
(squints; reads)
The Mayor...
He throws another dart into another Post-It.
EDITOR
(reading again)
... and his daughter...
He throws a third dart.
EDITOR
(reading once more)
... photographed together at a S&M
Club.
(throws up his hands)
Brilliant! I smell Pulitzer.
He turns his chair back to Tony.
EDITOR
I expect a draft on my desk by
lunch!
He wheels away and Tony just slumps in his chair, burying his
face in his hands.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Tony pauses his typing and lets out a deep sigh before
continuing.
TONY (V.O.)
The most concerning thing, however,
is our project. See, we set
ourselves a deadline of a year in
New York to get our script sold and
start our screenwriting endeavours
proper. I guess it's easier to be
optimistic when we were chatting on
the forums or over IM, but in
reality, nothing's gone well on
that front.
(beat)
So I know I said I wouldn't be
returning home anytime soon, but
you may be seeing me sooner rather
than later.
Tony clicks a few times, then closes his laptop and stares
off into space as we FADE TO:
INT. SCHOOL - TEACHER'S LOUNGE
Paul is sitting off in a corner by himself with a notebook
he's scribbling notes. His coworkers, resident gossip queen
CHAKIRA and beefcake gym teacher JONAH, sit at a table
together across the room.
JONAH
(to Chakira; low whisper)
So you claim to know everything,
right? What's he always jotting
down in that thing?
CHAKIRA
My sources keep coming up empty.
Every time, I ask him, he claims to
be doodling. Last time I called it
a diary, he threw a hissy fit as
only Paul can.
JONAH
What do you say we get it from him
and read it for ourselves?
CHAKIRA
Gonna be tough. We'll need a third.
Chakira looks off to a nearby vending machine, where a
slender pale woman wearing an ankle length skirt and a plain
white blouse is getting a Snickers. This is AMY REES.
CHAKIRA
Hey, Crocodile Huntress.
Amy frowns and stomps over to Chakira's table. She has a high
pitched Australian accent.
AMY
Call me Bindi and face certain
death.
CHAKIRA
(grins)
I know you're still new and all,
but we don't like shy people here
in New York. You wanna earn your
stripes?
AMY
My stripes? Is this some sort of
hazing?
JONAH
No, more like a recon mission.
Jonah points over to Paul, who is none the wiser to their
schemings.
JONAH
Mr. Robinson over there writes in
that book of his every free moment
he gets. We wanna know what he's
writing about.
AMY
From what I've heard, I wouldn't be
surprised if they were illicit
stories about you and him.
Jonah blinks, confused.
CHAKIRA
Whatever. We'll distract him. You
snatch the book, okay?
AMY
I really don't feel comfortable.
Paul's been such a sweetheart since
I started here and-
CHAKIRA
(ignoring her)
Great, so you're in! Let's do it!
JONAH
I'll get the ball rolling.
Jonah walks over to Paul, who immediately closes his
notebook. Jonah steps behind him.
JONAH
Paul, you okay? You look tense.
PAUL
(on edge)
I'm fine. I'm just...
He trails off and almost looks like he just had an orgasm as
Jonah starts massaging his shoulders.
JONAH
You need to loosen up, buddy.
Paul's eyes roll up in the back of his head. The man's beyond
cloud nine now. Chakira walks over to him next and sits down
in a chair opposite him.
CHAKIRA
Hey Paul, remember that hand trick
you showed me to hit the male G
spot?
She contorts her hands together in a odd way, with two
fingers sticking out the top.
JONAH
We don't have G spots.
PAUL
(whimsically)
Oh, yes you do. I'd be happy to-
JONAH
(rushed)
I'm fine, thanks.
Jonah continues rubbing Paul's shoulders as Paul sits up and
grabs Chakira's hands. His notebook is resting on the arm of
his chair.
PAUL
See, I'm better at it because I'm
double jointed.
Jonah glances over to Amy and flicks his eyes down to the
prone notebook. Amy sticks her nails into her mouth.
Jonah silently pleads with her to go along with it. She takes
a deep breath and starts over.
PAUL
(moving Chakira's hands)
The trick is to-
He stops as Amy quickly snatches the notebook away!
PAUL
Hey! Give that back, Amy!
Paul jumps to his feet and lunges for Amy, but Jonah grabs
him from behind and holds him back.
Paul struggles to reach Amy until he realizes he's wrapped up
in Jonah's muscular arms. He takes a moment to enjoy that
before going after his book again.
PAUL
I said give it back!
Amy opens the notebook and starts to silently read. She stops
and her eyes go wide.
AMY
BVC?
CHAKIRA
(standing up)
Don't be stingy with the dish,
girl. Share!
Chakira grabs the notebook from a shellshocked Amy and starts
to read for herself. She gets a few seconds in before
frowning.
CHAKIRA
You're writing... fanfic?
PAUL
(offended)
It's not fanfic! It's a virtual
series.
(beat)
Oh and-
(lunges at Chakira)
Give it back!
Jonah simply releases Paul and he falls face first to the
ground. He flips around to his back and looks up at Jonah.
PAUL
You were supposed to hold me back!
With those...
(seductive)
... long, strapping, sweaty,
muscular-
Jonah holds up his hands begging Paul to stop.
JONAH
Seriously, Paul, fanfic?
(looks up to Chakira)
At least tell me it's something
good he's fic'ing.
CHAKIRA
(shaking her head)
The O.C.
Jonah sighs.
JONAH
I feel like I did when I was a kid
and peeked at my Christmas gifts
the night before.
Chakira drops Paul's notebook on the floor. She and the
disappointed Jonah leave the lounge.
Paul collects himself while Amy picks up the book and walks
over to him.
AMY
You're from BVC, the internet
forum?
PAUL
(dismissive)
Yeah, yeah, yuck it up. Make fun of
the nerdy-
He pauses when he actually processes that she knows the forum
by name.
PAUL
Wait, how do you know about BVC?
Amy's voice gets a little higher with excitement in her next
line.
AMY
You're the Paul Robinson?
Paul nods.
AMY
(excited)
Oh my God! This is crazy. I was a
member there!
Now Paul gets excited. His face totally lights up.
PAUL
Really? Wow, what was your member
name?
AMY
Reeamya!
There's an awkward silence. Like crickets chirping silence.
All Paul can do is blink absentmindedly.
PAUL
Come again?
AMY
(incredulous)
Reeamya!
(beat; dejected)
I, uh, didn't post much.
Paul's excitement returns.
PAUL
Still though, this is fantastic! I
mean what are the odds? Oh, you
have to come over tonight and meet
the rest of the guys.
AMY
What guys?
PAUL
MJ, Tony I-Changed-My-Name-Every
Other-Day, and Arcadio. We're all
here.
Amy YELPS as Paul grabs her arm and yanks her out of frame.
INT. BOYS' APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
Arcadio is laid out on the couch, blearily watching a program
on TV. A woman's SCREAMS can be heard followed by the
sickening sound of human flesh tearing.
Arcadio grimaces at the no doubt gruesome scene.
Tony walks in, wiping the sweat off his brow. He's carrying
an immense stack of papers.
He and Arc exchange quick greeting nods before Tony's eyes
divert to the TV.
TONY
(disgusted)
Oh God. Is this Alien 1? I don't
remember this scene.
ARC
(nonchalant)
Nope. Discovery Channel. This is a
woman giving birth.
The woman on screen lets out a guttural SCREAM followed by
more fleshing tearing.
ARC
And there's the head.
TONY
It's horrifying.
(beat)
I need to call my Mum and tell her
I love her.
ARC
Yeah, tell her I love her too.
Tony frees one of his arms from the stack he's holding to
flip off Arc. Then he sets the stack on the coffee table and
slumps into the nearby recliner.
ARC
What's all that?
TONY
Work. I turned down the story our
chief gave me, so I got another
one. Monitoring Kirstie Alley's
diet.
Arc looks at the stack and frowns.
ARC
How much is that? A month?
Tony shakes his head.
TONY
This past weekend.
Paul almost bursts into the room, still yanking Amy behind
him by her arm.
PAUL
Guys! You have to hear this!
(looks around)
Where's Mike?
Arc and Tony both stand up. Arc points off to the bathroom.
ARC
Shower. What's up?
PAUL
This is huge, guys!
He yanks Amy in front of him.
PAUL
This is Amy Rees and she knows
about BVC! She was a member there!
Amy looks back and forth between the two men and meekly
waves.
AMY
(weakly)
Hi.
ARC
Paul, you made me stand up for
this?
Arc falls backwards into the same position on the couch he
was in before.
Paul steps around to Amy's side.
PAUL
Amy Rees, that's Arcadio Reyes and
this is-
TONY
(cutting in; suave)
Anthony J. Black.
His accent is noticeably more posh. He gently takes her hand
in his own.
TONY
Pleasure to meet you, my dear.
Amy smiles nervously and yanks her hand away just as Tony
puckers his lips and bends over to kiss it. He only needs a
second to straighten up and recover from the rejection.
TONY
Yes, well, can I get you something
to drink? Paul keeps a ready supply
of girly drinks around.
AMY
Actually, I don't drink.
Tony snickers to himself.
TONY
What are you, Mormon or something?
AMY
We prefer LDS, but yes.
TONY
LDS? Is that the one where you
worship aliens and have those
tester thingys to test for thingys
in the bloodstream?"
AMY
(irritated)
That's scientology.
Tony blinks and there's a LONG awkward silence in the room.
Behind Amy, Paul lifts his foot and mimes sticking it in his
mouth. Arc can barely contain his laughter.
TONY
(under his breath)
Denomination confuses me. Can't we
all just pray to Terry O'Quinn?
ARC
(calming down)
So you know about our old haunt,
eh?
Amy sits down on the couch. Arc moves his feet away just
enough to give her room.
AMY
Yes, the writing was incredible. I
was so sad you guys closed it down.
TONY
Yes, well, we had a higher calling,
if you will. We shut it down to
move here. Trying to make it
professionally.
Despite being thoroughly insulted a few minutes, Amy actually
gives Tony a look of respect.
AMY
(impressed)
Really? That's very daring of you.
TONY
Well, I've always been known as a
risk taker.
Tony noticeably perks up again at the compliment, puffing his
chest out a bit. His accent is still in super posh mode. Arc
and Paul both roll their eyes.
TONY
We can't say the endeavour's been
entirely successful, but there's
been progress. Perhaps you'd like
to read our pilot?
The bathroom door opens, breaking the silence, and a soaking
wet Mike steps out, clad only in a towel.
PUSH IN on Amy's face as the opening to 'Puppy Love' kicks
in.
PUSH IN on Mike as the camera goes into soft focus. He dries
his face with a second, smaller towel, the entire movement
done in SLOW MOTION.
BACK TO normal speed and focus. Amy's breathing is noticeably
heavier and she has to put her hand on her chest to stabilize
herself.
MIKE
(off Amy)
Who's this?
AMY
I'm... I'm
PAUL
(disinterested)
Mike, Amy. Amy, Mike. She knows
about BVC, but I'm sure you don't
give a toss.
MIKE
Nah, that's straight. Small world,
right?
(beat)
Aight, Imma go get dressed.
He ducks into his and Paul's room. Amy watches him leave.
AMY
(to Tony)
Uhm, could I get a glass of water?
Tony bolts up from the couch.
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.